Emotionally Amputated
Im not going share this entry on Facebook or Google+, because I dont want it to look like Im trying to milk the subject for clicks, because right now it seems like everyone has something to say about it.
I had to write a little news article about how Blizzard are going to pay tribute to the late Robin Williams by including him as an NPC in World of Warcraft. The first thing that annoys me is the ever-repeating wave of wisecracks bringing up that same old argument: thousands of people die every day and now were all acting sad and depressed, just because some celebrity died. And theres only one thing I have to say to you guys. Fuck you.
Just because you dont personally know someone, just because they werent friends or family and you didnt hang out doesnt mean you cant be sad when they die. Many people grew up watching his movies, enjoying his standup comedy and just like some of you get overly attached to ancient 8bit gaming systems or Saturday morning cartoon shows, others get attached to certain films, actors and the characters they played. Some draw inspiration from them or find their role-model. I wasnt a huge fan of Robin Williams, myself, but it pisses me off when people want to dictate what one should or shouldnt feel sad about. Just shut up.
What annoys me even more are people, who argue whether or not depression is a "real disease" and call Williams a selfish coward for ending his life. Depression is the darkest, most soul-crushing form of loneliness. Imagine seeing your firstborn child for the first time, hearing their first words, watching them make their first steps and you feel absolutely nothing. You know youre supposed to feel something, there is this magical bond everybody talks to you about, you know there should be something, but youre completely detached and watch the whole thing like a neutral bystander. If anything, there is despair, because you know there is something wrong and everybody around you expects you to feel something, so you pretend to make everybody happy.
Imagine your father dies, suddenly, unexpectedly and without warning and week after week youre waiting to cry, youre waiting to grieve and there is simply nothing. After youve already felt nothing when both your grandparents died a few months earlier. Everyone around you at the funeral cries, everyone is sad and heartbroken. And you try to fit in. Be normal, even though you know youre not and theres something wrong with you.
My friends, readers, fans, people I work with, nobody has ever met me face to face. I get dozens of people asking to meet me at events like Gamescom right now, role-playing conventions, people want to come over and meet me here in the UK and I always ignore them. I dont want them to see me. I dont want them to meet the real me. My blog, my columns and articles, everything I do online makes people laugh. When I have to meet with neighbours and family I make them laugh. Im good at that. Its a persona. It creates a safe distance and distracts from the real me.
As a child, I had to deal with more abuse, alcoholism, violence and other bullshit than I want to bore you with. I tried to talk about these things with my father a few years back, just before I left the country and moved to the UK. He felt like I was attacking him. Told me its ancient history and I should get over it already. But thats not how it works. You dont just "get over it", without ever being able to talk to the one person, who was responsible for all the drama and pain. Nobody cared, nobody listened and I didnt matter at all. Wouldnt have made any difference had I not existed at all.
You dont want to know what its like to just exist from one day to the next, having absolutely no reason to get up in the morning. For the most part, I didnt feel "sad" on the bad days. I just felt nothing. I didnt care. About myself. About life. Swallowed a whole box of pills once to see if Id stop waking up altogether. Its hard to describe. It just felt more interesting than life, if that makes any sense.
My partner loves me and cares about me today. Im building a decent relationship with my son. Im looking after our ever-growing collection of pets. I have the one job I always dreamed about as a kid. In a way, everything turned out okay for me in the end and Im glad those pills just severely fucked me up and didnt kill me. I enjoy life and Im happy with things the way they are, though Im still far from normal.
I dont miss my family back in Germany. Everyone was happy to see me at the funeral, but I didnt stay in touch and it doesnt feel like it matters. Im still not crying over the loss of my father or my grandparents. And Im still pretending.
Im not suicidal. Im not sad. Ive learned to deal with the whole thing my own way and Im leading a reasonably normal life. But that shit doesnt just go away over night.
-Cat
download file now