Enter Zoidberg
Sometimes we cling on to an abusive, loveless relationship for far too long, because we keep telling ourselves that things really arent all that bad. Sometimes were afraid that nobody else wants us. Sometimes were just too used to our abusive partner to let go, even if theyve long lost all respect for us and simply take us for granted. In the end, we only hurt ourselves by letting it drag on for far too long. And sometimes you only realize all that after youve severed all ties and found yourself a better, fairer employer.
Over the course of the last month Ive easily made three times the salary I used to get at the old publisher. Not only that - I get a ton of work to do, I get to pick my articles depending on what kind of game and genre suits me best, I get to send an invoice for my work the day I hand it in and the money usually gets here within a week. Sometimes there are some tweaks and corrections to be made after handing in the raw text, but thats as stressful as it gets. No "you may only charge us for your work on a single, specific day each month" bullshit. No waiting a whole month to get paid, then getting insulted for asking where the money is when they make me wait an extra week without warning. No more random jobs and deadlines assigned to me without asking or informing me first.
Im a fucking games critic again. I get paid to play. No more news articles for the intellectually challenged, constantly offended masses. I made a joke once about combat pets on diablo 3 and how theyre about as likely to survive a fight as a chocolate cake would survive a visit to a camp for fat kids. Before they got buffed, mind, so it was totally valid. Turns out we had more angry fat kids in the comments section than I anticipated. I wrote an article about how a Sims game got banned in Russia because it allowed gay relationships, mentioning how same sex relationships are finally accepted as normal in many other parts of the world and I got a bunch of homophobes telling me off for referring to it as "normal". I called the idiots, who ruin WoW by selling bots to even bigger idiots exactly that and all hell broke loose in the comments section. I was afraid to quit, but it turned out it was the best damn thing I could have done.
Of course people are still feeling offended for the heck of it. Ive just finished a review on Submerged, an interactive screensaver, currently sold on Steam as a "game" for 20 Euros. Its one of those shitty, "artsy" indie games without any real gameplay or the possibility to fail. And there are usually some assholes who fall for this kind of nonsense and write hilariously positive reviews about how brave, touching, moving or artistically brilliant that piece of indie garbage really is. Gamings equivalent of a biopic.
And of course theres always that one guy who tells me that games dont have to contain combat, action, time limits or any form of pressure in order to be good. And you know what? Of course they dont! You dont kill anyone and theres no story in Tetris and its one of the best games ever made. Games like Ico and Shadow of the Colossus tell a story entirely without words and theyve moved countless gamers to tears. And then theres Submerged, which has players scaling the walls of ten buildings whilst listening to sad piano music. Thats all the gameplay there is.
"Not every game has to be Dark Souls", he tells me. "This game is great for kids, because it introduces them to PC gaming without any form of danger." Wanna know how I introduced my kid to gaming? We played Mario World, Mario Kart and Secret of Mana on the original hardware. Not fucking submerged. Because I dont fucking hate my kid. You can lose in each of the games I just mentioned. Doesnt make them Dark fucking Souls. Turns out there are winners and losers in most games. Its part of the fun. Its what gives you a sense of reward and achievement when you get better and finally beat it. Handing out participation medals to everyone kills all that.
His face is decorated by a whole bunch of dangly appendages. Hes basically Zoidberg:
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| WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP! |
Weve also introduced Claires mother to GTA. With mixed results.
No Zoidberg on that one, unfortunately.
-Cat
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